


As Long as I'm Here No One Can Hurt You

by Princessfbi



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Absent Parents, Baby Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bike Riding, Buckley Sibling Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional neglect, Episode 4x04 Follow Up, Evan "Buck" Buckley Deserves Better, Fluff, Grief, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Maddie Buckley Deserves Better, Maddie Buckley is a Good Sister, Protective Maddie Buckley, Protective Siblings, Sibling Love, Sick Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft maddie buckley, Thunderstorms, Vomiting, brief description of panic attacks, secret keeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29326383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princessfbi/pseuds/Princessfbi
Summary: “I love you, Buck,” Maddie said instead. “I love you so much.”"Why?"Buck sobbed.Because you were my world when I needed to see the light again.She didn’t say that. It was too close to the truth she’d long since swallowed away… Just like their parents had taught them.ORFive times Maddie was there for Buck when their parents should have been and One time Buck was there for her.
Relationships: Mentioned Maddie Buckley/Doug Kendall
Comments: 9
Kudos: 145
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	As Long as I'm Here No One Can Hurt You

No one told Maddie how to be a big sister. There wasn’t a handbook given to her in trims of gold ribbon that she was supposed to wrap around herself and absorb the wisdom to get her through the days where her brother tried her patience and drooled on her things and bothered her most minutes of the day. Her parents didn’t bring Buck home and teach her how to swaddle him with affection.

No.

No, she had to learn that on her own.

Because the thing was… Evan became her world the moment she’d scrubbed her hands raw just so she could touch the slope of his nose. He became _hers_ the moment the feeling of the weight of his head in the crook of her arm became so familiar it was like her own heartbeat in her ears. His footprints became embedded with hers the moment he took her hand and smiled that first smile at her.

Her.

Maddie.

His sister.

The person who vowed to never let him feel like he was loveable but with conditions like she’d been made to feel. The person who tried to carry the weight of grief and sadness and resentment and guilt so that Evan wouldn’t be crushed under it.

She faltered. She was only human but once her parents realized that she could lift the plate of responsibility, they continued to add onto it because it was easier to unburden themselves than it was to face the treacherous process of unpacking everything. But she tried. For Buck she would always try.

_Love me anyway._

The crack in his voice had been like a slap in the face. Because she never stopped loving, her love for him had been what got her through some of the worst moments with Doug and it had been the thing that finally been a lifeline to pull her free from his shadow.

It ate her up inside for Buck to think that she had.

* * *

**1**

Evan crept into her room as quiet as a five year old could in a house built with hardwood floors. Though, if Maddie was being honest, probably quieter than most five year olds. Evan had developed the skill of being quiet early on, swimming in shyness and trepidation of being rebuked for something he didn’t understand. It’d been five years since her parents sworn her to secrecy and the truth still weighed heavy on her tongue every time Evan asked a seemingly innocent question and not understanding why his endless curiosity got him into trouble.

His small feet padded across the length of her room, hurried and scared, as a flash of lightning illuminated the walls.

He was being quiet because their mother had scolded him for slipping out of bed when the first spring storm had rolled through and sent him running into their parents’ room. Maddie would never understand how her parents could stand to hear the soft rejected and terrified cries as Evan hid under the blankets.

Maddie felt him try and fail to climb up on her bed, his body making the frame squeak as her mattress rocked a little.

“Evan?” She murmured, voice still thick with sleep as she extended an arm out to him.

Tiny hands curled around her arm and climbed up the ledge of her bedframe and onto her mattress just as the clap of lightning seemed to make the whole house shake. A squeaked cry shattered the last dredges of sleep from her brain when a head of blond curls clipped her in the chin as her brother launched himself into the safe embrace of her arms.

“S-sorry,” Evan stuttered out as he hung onto her for dear life and trembled through a silent sob he was trying to muffle against her skin.

Fat tears and snot and spit seared into the skin of her neck but she didn’t care. Maddie curled her arms around him and rocked him until she heard him take a breath that was followed by a wail he couldn’t quite contain.

He was so little; how could anyone expect him to hold such big feelings inside?

“It’s okay, Evan,” Maddie whispered into his hair and letting him take comfort in the safety of her neck. “It’s just a little storm. It can’t get you.”

“Sorry, sorry, _sorry,”_ Evan whimpered out before he dissolved into terrified crying but whether from the storm or from the fear of getting in trouble for being out of bed, she didn’t know.

‘Na-na’ had been Evan’s first word when he thought Maddie’s name was banana. He would point and giggle when Maddie would play along and sing song her name as she tickled his feet.

‘Sorry’ had been Evan’s second word.

Maddie pressed a kiss against his head and rubbed his back the way that always seemed to calm him down.

It worked just like she knew it would but the trembling didn’t stop and from the sounds of the wind against her window, the storm didn’t seem soothed either.

Maddie sighed and held Evan close to her so she could navigate getting them back under the covers. The wind whistled into a siren and another clap of thunder rattled her teeth but Evan didn’t fall into another cycle of hysterics so she ignored it.

“You've got nothing to be sorry for, Evan,” Maddie said once they were comfortable. “You can come to me anytime you’re scared.”

Evan sniffed and rubbed his face against her collarbone.

“Mad?”

Maddie’s throat tightened and not for the first time she felt a rush of hot, heavy _resentment_ wash over her. She was only just starting to truly understand the swirl of emotions that lingered in her chest; emotions that she hadn’t been able to name until recently souring the sweetness of childhood naivety. But Evan didn't know. Evan, who didn’t understand why their parents reacted the way they did. Evan, who was so sweet and innocent and pure. Evan, who was untouched by tragedy and punished for it. Evan, who could be sweet and bubbly one minute only to be shut down into shy and timid the next. Evan, who was just a kid and deserved all the love in the world.

Maddie never truly felt adored until Evan came along. But he loved her freely and without restraint and that was the best part of him. She would never let anyone hurt that.

“Nah,” Maddie said when she could brighten her tone. “Never mad at you, Evan. Never.”

* * *

**2**

“Maddie?” 

Maddie groaned as she rolled over in her bed and peered at the silhouette of her brother in the doorway. 

“Ev? What’s—“

“I got sick,” Evan said with a rasp in his voice. 

Maddie’s nose was met with the sharp acidic smell of sick mixed with sweat and was out of her bed in an instant. 

Sure enough, his pajamas were a mess and his face was flushed with fever. 

“Oh buddy,” Maddie said, brushing his matted curls out of his face. 

Evan was still so small for a seven year old and his baby fat rounded out his cheeks in a way she almost wished he’d never lose. He pouted a little, his bottom lip trembling as he nodded, and she ushered him back into the bathroom. 

“Do you still feel icky?” 

Buck nodded again and his face paled. Tears welled in his eyes and Maddie only just managed to turn him to the toilet before he was being sick again. 

The smell made her eyes water but she breathed through her mouth as she rubbed Evan’s tiny back. Evan sobbed and choked as he fought against the convulsions of his stomach and Maddie pressed a little harder with the heel of her hand in between his shoulders. 

“It’s okay. Get it all out.”

Evan cried as he shook his head before he lost the battle against his body. 

“I know, buddy, I know.” 

When he was through for the moment, Evan wailed and it pierced through Maddie’s heart. If she could bottle all of her brother’s pain away then she would. There was no way her parents hadn’t heard the echo of his crying but the question came down to whether her dad would bother to check or if they would just pretend that they didn’t hear him like they often did when their children cried into the night. 

But Maddie had learned a long time ago that if she waited around for her parents to decide then she would be waiting for an eternity for disappointment. 

Maddie leaned up and flushed the toilet. Before she could stop him, her lap was filled with Evan’s small body as he pressed against her for any ounce of comfort she could provide. His pajamas were filthy and smearing against Maddie’s own but she didn’t care. She wrinkled her nose and crossed her legs so that Evan could feel swaddled by her limbs as she hugged him close.

“Did you feel sick at dinner?” She asked even though she knew the answer.

He’d been toying with his food all night and their mother had scolded him for being a "difficult".

_“You’re too old to be this picky, Evan.”_

So, Evan had forced down every bite on his plate and now look where they were.

_Thanks a lot, Mom._

Maddie held Evan until he cried out the worst of it and was left to shiver against her. She hummed as she slipped a hand against his forehead and confirmed the fever she suspected.

“How you feeling?”

“Tummy hurts,” Evan croaked. “Cold.”

“How about a bath?”

Evan didn’t answer and nestled against her chest so, she waited out the clinginess a little more before she reached over and turned on the tub.

“Come on,” she said and coached him up. “Let’s get you out of these pajamas.”

“Sorry,” Evan muttered as if just realizing that he’d made a mess of Maddie’s as well.

Maddie curled her hand under his jaw and brushed a thumb against his cheek.

“Nothing to be sorry about. You weren’t feeling good. That's all.”

When the water was high enough to sooth Evan’s muscles and lap at his stomach, she turned the water off and helped him in before soaking a wash cloth and wiping his face clean.

Buck was still shuddering but there was a little color back in his face so she felt comfortable leaving him to go take his soiled clothes to the laundry room and change herself.

Her dad was peeking out from the previously closed bedroom door as she grabbed a fresh pair of pajamas from Evan’s room.

“It’s late, Maddie,” he said, a hint of a reproach in his voice.

She bristled at his tone the way all teenagers did with a hair trigger flare of irritation.

“Evan got sick.”

Her dad said nothing at that and his expression darkened as the wisp of memories rose through them like a gust of wind in the emptiness left behind.

Maddie felt the lashes of guilt as she took in his stiffness. Sometimes, she thought it would make her feel better if she made her parents hurt like they hurt her. She thought that maybe if they felt, for once, what it was like to be in her shoes that maybe the pain would lessen.

It never did.

Seven years and Maddie was learning that while her grief and guilt were heavy, her parents’ was sharp and cutting.

“He okay?” Her dad asked eventually.

“He’s fine. Probably just the flu,” Maddie said. “Mom forcing him to eat dinner didn’t help.”

Her dad worked his jaw as he opened his mouth to defend her mother but Evan’s sniffling cut the tension between them.

It was funny how after Daniel’s death, her parents had forced Maddie to tether herself to them in a line of sorrow and pain. But Evan? The sweetest little boy that had Maddie wrapped around his finger and was still too small for his age, had somehow found the strength to cut her free.

* * *

**3**

There were certain things that Maddie didn’t begrudge her parents from wanting to distance themselves. Usually, Maddie would chafe against the mourning shroud that had blanketed her parents until Evan’s voice would ring like a crystal bell in the fog. Her mother would sigh with impatience but Maddie would rejoice at the sound. She used to wish that someone would explain to Evan why their parents were so sad all the time. Selfishly, she wanted someone else to shoulder the burden of carrying the torch for Daniel.

But Evan was so happy for someone who lived in a tomb and Maddie would never take that happiness away from him.

And Evan also wasn’t so little anymore. He noticed things. Maddie knew every inhale that Evan took like it was her own rhythmic pattern of breathing but Evan was learning her own exhalations as well. His face would pinch whenever Maddie and her mother’s words would get too harsh. His eyes would get a little sad whenever Maddie would give in because she just didn’t have the strength to fight and her parents had outmaneuvered her again.

He was speaking up more.

It’d been a sight to see when Evan had defended her, deflecting her mother’s betrayal into impatience on him.

But he was still just a kid and when he’d asked their dad to teach him how to ride his bike without the training wheels, he didn’t understand the gut punched expression that clouded his face. Their dad would always side with their mother but at least, in his own way, he tried. But bike riding had been _their_ thing--- Daniel and their dad--- and Maddie could give him a pass on not wanting to press into that wound.

She didn’t agree with it but she could understand.

Which was how she found herself on a hot summer day, sweating and out of breath, as she ran alongside Evan and his bike. It had been Maddie’s bike but she’d gifted it to him when he’d told her that some of the other kids in the neighborhood wanted to race. Evan’s helmet was massive on his head and hid his curls from the sun but it would do in a pinch if he fell off.

And he did.

Many, _many_ times.

The last time had ended with a scraped elbow that was barely bleeding and a wobble in his lip as he tried not to cry.

“Why can’t I get it?” He’d asked, sad and disappointed that he’d fallen again.

Maddie knew why. Evan was still small for his age but his limbs had started to grow and were too big for the rest of his body.

“You will,” Maddie had said, using her shirt to wipe the tears and from his eyes. “You can do anything. You want to know why?”

Buck looked at her like every word hung from the moon--- her adoration for those big blue eyes and sweet smile and perfect red birthmark only grew every moment spent with just the two of them--- and she smiled.

“Because you are brave.”

Doubt filled his eyes and she hated whoever showed him what that expression was looked like.

“Hey,” she said with a poke against his bony shoulder. “You are the bravest little man I know. Would I lie to you?”

As soon as the words left her lips they tasted like ash on her tongue but she’d gotten better at swallowing that regret down.

Evan looked up at her, eyes wide and face serious as he shook his head.

She hoped the world wouldn’t eat up her sweet little brother and spit him back out. He had more love and kindness in his tiny hands than most people had in their whole hearts.

“Don’t let go,” Evan said when she’d been able to persuaded him back onto the bike.

“I won’t,” Maddie said and crossed her fingers behind her back.

Evan turned his determined stare up at her. “At least, not till I’m ready.”

“Okay.” She smiled.

“I’m not ready yet.”

“Yes, you are. But I’ll wait.”

Evan humphed and rolled his shoulders back before he nodded.

“Ready?”

“Ready.”

Maddie waited until he started to peddle to push him a little.

“I’m right here,” she said when she sensed his apprehensive hesitation. “I’ve got you.”

She waited until she felt his weight balance. Then, as quiet as she could, she let him go and stopped to catch her breath as she watched him ride on without her.

* * *

**4**

“Maddie?”

It still made Maddie pause whenever she remembered how low Buck’s voice had gotten since he hit puberty.

_He’s breathing too fast._

All of Maddie’s nursing training kicked started her brain as she heard the hurried hyperventilating wheezing through the phone.

“Maddie?” Buck choked out between stuttered inhalations.

Maddie sat up in bed and moved out of Doug’s warm embrace. He blinked up at her, scowl marring his lips, but when she just shook her head and mouthed ‘Buck’, he nodded and rolled over.

“Buck?” Maddie asked when she stepped into the bathroom. “Buck, you need to slow your breathing down.”

“N-nothing I-I-I-I--- Can’t d-d-d-do anything right, _Maddie.”_

He said her name in a keen, begging her to do something. Do anything. _Please please please please…_

“Buck,” Maddie said as she curled her arm around her middle and sat down on the edge of the tub. “I’m right here. I’m right here but you need to breathe.”

“ _I can’t!”_

“Yes, you can.” Maddie pressed, using every ounce of her willpower to keep her voice steady even though the shards of Buck’s stuttering were ripping her apart.

For the first time since she had moved out, into the fresh air and away from the heavy broken-heartedness that was her parents’ home, Maddie wished she was there. She wished she could scoop Buck up in her arms, even though he was taller than her now, and hold him close like she used to when he was a baby. To rub his back and sooth him through the worst of his suffering.

But she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. Her parents may have wanted to keep them stunted in the past, where Daniel’s death was still fresh and the grieving was still understandable, but Maddie couldn’t do that anymore. She needed to live. She needed to grow. She needed to feel loved and understood.

Doug wasn’t perfect but if anyone taught her that people weren’t perfect, it was her parents.

She hated that Buck was still in the middle of them though.

“Why do they hate me, Maddie?” Buck asked, his voice so quiet like his footsteps he tried to hide when he would sneak into her room. “What did I do?”

“They don’t hate you,” Maddie said. “They don’t. They just…”

They just what?

She knew her parents loved them. She knew they loved Maddie and Buck in their own way.

But they resented them too. They would never admit it but they did. They resented that they were alive. They resented that it was easier for them to move on. They resented that Buck and Maddie didn’t share in their pain. Their parents would rather hide away from the world and nurse a hurt that should have long since healed but Buck and Maddie didn’t want that. They wanted to live. They wanted to thrive. Was that so bad?

“I love you, Buck,” Maddie said instead. “I love you so much.”

“ _Why?”_ Buck sobbed.

_Because you were my world when I needed to see the light again._

She didn’t say that. It was too close to the truth she’d long since swallowed away… Just like their parents had taught them. Keep it in. Don’t let it out. Letting it out will only cause you more hurt and the hurt will be endless.

For them? Maybe.

Maddie was starting to realize that wasn’t the case for her anymore.

And it shouldn’t be for Buck either.

She wished someone would explain to Buck why their parents were the way they were but that wasn’t on Maddie.

“You are worth more than the expectations placed on you by the people who continue to disappoint you.”

Buck’s breath hitched in her ear but after a moment of listening to his breathing, she knew he was hanging on to her every word.

“I love you so much,” Maddie repeated. “You’re my little brother. You will always be my little brother. My brave, sweet, smart little brother. But you can’t find yourself if you keep waiting for Mom and Dad.”

They sat in silence as Buck sniffed and cried and breathed and released all the pent up pieces of emotional baggage their parents had dropped at his feet and let him pick up for them.

“I hate being here without you,” Buck confessed, his voice a little pitchy but steadier than when he’d been in the worst of the panic attack. “I hate being here.”

Everything he had swallowed was spilling out, purging itself into the open. Everything their parents had forced down his throat was being rejected in the crippling realization that they would never change and that Buck and Maddie couldn’t wait for them anymore.

* * *

**5**

Maddie promised herself that she wasn’t going to cry but there she was, a blubbering mess as she cheered Buck on from the stands. His head swiveled in her direction like the pull from her heart was an invisible north to his inner compass and he smiled at her.

He looked so handsome and she could hardly stand with how proud she was.

Her little baby brother.

He was so tall.

Buck didn’t even look anywhere else as he crossed the stage to get his diploma. He just smiled at her and waved.

Her parents didn’t show. They said they would try but…

And Maddie understood that the firsts they would never have with Daniel were hard for her parents but for once she wished they would stop living in the past and see just how wonderful the future could be! But they missed their chance--- their _last_ chance--- and that wasn’t on Daniel’s memory or Maddie’s shoulders or Buck’s eagerness to please. That was on them. That was solely on them.

The ceremony went by swiftly and Maddie waited off to the side as Buck broke away from the crowd, already missing his cap and his graduation gown unzipped. The spring air blew through the curls across his head. He made a face when he saw she was crying that sent her arching into laughter as she threw her arms around him.

“You’re being embarrassing,” he grumbled but Maddie didn’t care as she pressed a sloppy kiss against his cheek. “ _Maddie!”_

And a small part of her was heartbroken that she couldn’t carry him in her arms anymore. A part of her missed the tiny thing he used to be when he couldn’t climb into her bed without help. But looking at him, looking at how much he’d grown---

“I am so proud of you.”

People were filling up the courtyard to take pictures at any available space. Grandparents and aunts and uncles and parents. Maddie winced a little at her solo performance for Buck. Doug had surgery and her parents… disappointed them once again.

“Buck,” she started. “I’m---”

Buck shook his head and smiled, a little sad but resigned. 

“Don’t,” Buck said. “Don’t apologize for them, Maddie. You’re here. That’s all I need.”

She couldn’t help but beam up at him. At some point in between a blink and a sigh, her little brother grew up.

And she couldn’t wait to see what would come next.

* * *

**+1**

One day. Her parents could’ve put effort into _one_ day that was supposed to be the happiest day of her life and they couldn’t be bothered.

Everything was perfect. The church, the dress, the flowers, the groom, her hair, her make up, the music, the rings, the food, the weather, even the dishware which included two crystal glasses from Doug’s mother’s wedding china. _Everything._ Perfect.

Except for the fact that Maddie was alone.

Her friends were there, dressed in their bridesmaid dresses and primped and ready to go. Her coworkers were in attendance and ready to cheer her on as she entered her next chapter in her life. Doug’s entire family were there and happy to celebrate their union.

But Maddie’s own family were absent like three massive holes in the intricate lace of her dress.

Maddie’s throat tightened and she fiddled with the fold of her skirt as she tried not to cry. She’d spent years doing everything she could for them. Years of her childhood just trying to make things easier for her parents. And they shut her out the moment she stood up for something that was for her.

Doug wasn’t perfect but he loved her so why couldn’t that be good enough? Why couldn’t she be good enough for once? She stood by them every day for years after her brother died and they couldn’t stand by her just one time.

She wasn’t going to cry.

She didn’t _want_ to cry.

It was her wedding day.

The only tears she wanted to shred were tears of joy but she was alone.

She’d been so alone for so long.

And now she was going to have to walk down the aisle alone.

“I’m here!”

Buck fell into the bridal suite like a hurricane of limbs and eager enthusiasm. His suit pants were too small and his shirt was wrinkled like he’d swam through a windstorm to get there. Judging by the color in his cheeks and the damp touch to his curls, he might have.

His tie was tied in a literal knot around his neck but he was there.

Buck was there!

Buck, who didn’t particularly like Doug any more than her parents did but loved Maddie unequivocally. He was there with his dopey smile and his too long limbs and adorable excitement and Maddie melted at the sight of him.

“Wow Maddie,” Buck said in stunned awe. “You look beautiful.”

“Buck,” she gasped as she picked up the bunches of material of her dress and crossed the room to him.

She threw her arms around him and cried as he lifted her off her feet in the best hug she’d had all day.

It could’ve arguably been the best hug she’d ever had.

“I didn’t think you guys were coming!”

She was ruining her makeup but Maddie didn’t care because Buck was there and it was like suddenly, she could breathe again.

“Well, I wasn’t about to let Mom and Dad stop me.”

He'd come alone. In an act of defiance, Buck had shown up on his own.

Maddie couldn’t even find it in herself to care that her parents weren’t even there because Buck was there. She pulled away when he set her down and laughed as she pressed a knuckle under her eye to catch any running mascara.

“Good,” Maddie said with a smile that was so wide her cheeks hurt. “Because I needed someone to walk me down the aisle.”

The shy, bashful kid Maddie remembered flashed in front of her as Buck hesitated.

“Me? You want me to… Are you sure---”

Maddie latched onto his hand and lifted up on her tiptoes to fix and errant curl that had fallen onto his forehead.

“Absolutely,” she said with ease. “I want nothing more than that in the world.”

Because Buck was her world. He was her little brother and she loved him through the mess and the tears and the scraped elbows and endless nights of missing sleep.

They weren’t waiting for their parents to catch up. They didn’t need to when they had each other. 


End file.
